One of the easiest ways to quickly reduce stress, frustration, or even anger in your daily life is to take a short break and spend some time with something that brings laughter into your day.
Today, I want to assist you with that by sharing 120 of the most amusing sayings from some of the brightest and funniest individuals in history.
These quotes are the most positive, quirky, witty, and funny statements made by famous personalities.
Hopefully, you will discover something here that helps you relax, rejuvenate a bit, and that you can also share with your colleagues and loved ones if they are having a challenging day.
Funny Quotes From Well-Known Figures on Life
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
– Albert Einstein
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
– Mark Twain
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
– Mae West
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”
– Stephen Hawking
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
– Winston Churchill
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
– Will Rogers
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
– Isaac Asimov
“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.”
– Charles Schulz
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
– Earl Wilson
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
– Robert Frost
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
– Sir Norman Wisdom
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
– George Burns
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris
“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.”
– Luis Buñuel
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
– Ron White
“When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Quotes From Famous People About Love
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?”
– H. L. Mencken
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”
– Jackie Mason
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!”
– Groucho Marx
“When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
– Henny Youngman
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
– Clint Eastwood
Short and Hilarious Quotes by Celebrities
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
– Oscar Wilde
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”
– Dorothy Parker
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
– Marc Maron
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
– George Carlin
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
– Golda Meir
“Instant gratification takes too long.”
– Carrie Fisher
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers
“I drink to make other people more interesting.”
– Ernest Hemingway
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.”
– W. C. Fields
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
– Bill Watterson
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.”
– Judith Martin
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
– Tina Fey
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
– Alfred Hitchcock
Weird and Funny Quotes by Celebrities
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
– Jim Carrey
“I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.”
– Elon Musk
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
– Zach Galifianakis
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
– Jack Handey
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
– Groucho Marx
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
– Henny Youngman
“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island, what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
– Steven Wright
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
– Groucho Marx
“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
– Jack Whitehall
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”
– Harry Hill
“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.”
– Sid Caesar
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
Funny Quotes By Famous People About Work
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
– Ronald Reagan
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
– George Carlin
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
– Jerome K. Jerome
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
– Scott Adams
“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”
– Milton Berle
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
– Oscar Wilde
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
– Les Dawson
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
– Robert Benchley
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
– Doug Larson
“When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.”
– Rich Hall
“Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.”
– J. Paul Getty
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger
“Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.”
– A. H. Weiler
Motivational and Funny Quotes From Celebrities
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”
– Will Rogers
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas Edison
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
– Denis Waitley
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
– Dale Carnegie
“The road to success is always under construction.”
– Lily Tomlin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.”
– Reba McEntire
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
– Yogi Berra
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
– Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
– W. C. Fields
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
“The only thing that ever sat