Marriage can be likened to a winding journey filled with love, laughter, and compromise. It also involves navigating through the quirky decisions our partners make, whether it’s about food choices or how to load the dishwasher efficiently.
As I approach my 11th wedding anniversary, I want to celebrate by sharing 101 relatable, witty, and funny marriage quotes that will surely bring a smile to your face. These quotes can be great for adding humor to a wedding toast or an anniversary card.
Funny Marriage Quotes That Will Bring a Smile
“Being married is wonderful. It’s a joy to have that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“Before marriage, keep your eyes wide open; after marriage, half shut.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve admired in a shop window for a long time. You may love it at home, but it might not always fit in with everything else in the house.”
– Jean Kerr
“Only those who are married truly understand the mix of misery and happiness that coexists.”
– Chris Rock
“Marriage is a beautiful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
– Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like a chess game, but the board is water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will change the outcome.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Getting married is like exchanging the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
– Mae West
“If you marry wisely, you’ll find happiness; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”
– Socrates
“One should always be in love. That’s why one should never marry.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is not heaven or hell, but rather purgatory.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“The key to a happy marriage is a secret that remains undisclosed.”
– Henny Youngman
“Before marrying someone, make them use a computer with slow internet to reveal their true self.”
– Will Ferrell
“When a husband opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Maintaining a marriage is challenging. My wife kisses the dog on the lips but won’t drink from my glass.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“If love means never apologizing, then marriage means always having to repeat everything twice.”
– Estelle Getty
“I was married by a judge. Maybe I should have requested a jury.”
– Groucho Marx
“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m at that age where people give up.”
– Amy Schumer
“Marriage defined: a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, totaling two individuals.”
– Ambrose Bierce
“Some women get overly excited about nothing and then end up marrying that someone.”
– Cher
Short and Witty Marriage Quotes
“Love is ideal, marriage is real.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“Marriage is like a late-night phone call: first the ring, then you wake up.”
– Evelyn Hendrickson
“For better or worse, we were married. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henny Youngman
“Marriage: a word that could easily be pronounced as ‘mirage’.”
– Herbert Spencer
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”
– Rory Elder
“A man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
“Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.”
– Julieanne O’Connor
“A good marriage would involve a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
– Michel de Montaigne
“Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.”
– Joe Murray
“All marriages start off happy; it’s the cohabitation that causes all the trouble.”
– Raymond Hull
“Marriage is nature’s way of preventing us from quarreling with strangers.”
– Alan King
“All men make mistakes, but married men discover them sooner.”
– Red Skelton
“A man doesn’t truly understand happiness until he’s married. By then, it’s too late.”
– Frank Sinatra
“A good wife always forgives her husband, especially when she’s wrong.”
– Milton Berle
“Love is the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis
“Marriage is ideal for those afraid of sleeping alone.”
– St. Jerome
“If love is the solution, can you rephrase the question?”
– Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is grand, but divorce costs around twenty grand.”
– Jay Leno
“I’m the real winner in life because I got to marry you.”
– Chip Gaines
“Marriage is like a bank account: you deposit, withdraw, and lose interest.”
– Irwin Corey
Relatable and Amusing Marriage Quotes for Cards and Celebrations
“I married for love, but the bonus of having someone to locate my glasses should not be underestimated.”
– Cameron Esposito
“My wife and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we argued to the point of considering divorce. Murder, however, has crossed our minds.”
– Jack Benny
“We’re all a bit peculiar, and life is a bit strange. When we find someone whose peculiarity matches ours, we join them in a mutually satisfying weirdness and call it true love.”
– Robert Fulghum
“When you see a couple walking down the street, the one slightly ahead is probably the one who’s mad.”
– Helen Rowland
“To keep your marriage full of love, admit when you’re wrong and, when you’re right, stay silent.”
– Ogden Nash
“Women marry men hoping they will change; men marry women hoping they won’t.”
– Albert Einstein
“For a successful marriage, each person should have their own bathroom. End of story.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“As you age, marry someone your age. As your looks fade, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“My husband and I secretly adjust the thermostat. We both deny it vehemently. Marriage is a riot.”
– Stephanie Ortiz
“There’s a term for those who are always wrong: husbands!”
– Bill Maher
“Just discovered my wife is writing a book about our honeymoon titled Fifty Shades of Just Okay.”
– Conan O’Brien
“I’m torn when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he’s doing laundry. On the other, my clothes now fit kids at the Gap.”
– Molly McNearney
“My wife insisted on registering for fine china. You never know when the Pope might show up and want a microwave hot dog on a $200 plate.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“When we first got married, he’d open the car door for me. Now, after eighteen years, he opened it once – on the freeway.”
– Joan Rivers
“My wife is sentimental. On Valentine’s Day, I gave her a ring with three little words inscribed inside: Made in Taiwan.”
– Leopold Fechtner
“I want to publicly thank my husband for changing half the diapers in our home. Hopefully, one day he’ll change all of mine.”
– Kristen Bell
“I’m a devoted wife. I’ve been married so many times; I should be committed.”
– Elizabeth Taylor
“The best way to ensure your husband remembers your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”
– Cindy Garner
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she goes shopping.”
– Henny Youngman
“I plan to remarry because I’m more mature now and in need of kitchen supplies.”
– Wendy Liebman
Humorous Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds
“I’m married to a unique individual, but perhaps it took someone equally unique to marry me.”
– Fiona Shaw
“If I were serious about a long-term relationship, the last people I’d introduce him to would be my family.”
– Chelsea Handler
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women are truly compatible. Maybe they should live next door and visit occasionally.”
– Katharine Hepburn
“My wife didn’t take my last name, which isn’t unusual. What’s unusual is when people find it strange, as if we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
– Mark Agee
“We have a couple of rules in our relationship. First, I make her feel like she’s always right. Second, I actually let her have her way in everything. So far, it’s working.”
– Justin Timberlake
“I’ve learned that to keep my wife happy, I need to let her think she’s getting her way and actually give her what she wants. It’s been effective so far.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson
“Always marry in the morning. That way, if things don’t work out, you haven’t wasted the entire day.”
– Mickey Rooney
“Marriage is an attempt to solve together the problems you didn’t have when you were single.”
– Eddie Cantor
“Marriage is an alliance between a man who can’t sleep with the window closed and a woman who can’t sleep with it open.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is a challenge as it involves managing emotions and legal matters.”
– Richard Pryor
“Marriage is about give and take. You better give in or she’ll take it anyway.”
– Joey Adams
“Never underestimate the value of marriage. Someone may say it’s just a piece of paper, but so is money, and what’s more empowering than cold, hard cash?”
– Dennis Miller
“The two most important words in marriage are ‘yes, dear.’”
– Eric Close
“I can’t force you to love me, but I can stock the pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly allowance of $75.”
– Rob Delaney
“Wedding music always reminds me of the tunes played for soldiers before battle.”
– Heinrich Heine
“Marriage is an adventure, much like going to war.”
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“For a successful marriage, each person should have their own bathroom. Period.”
– Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Behind every great marriage is a woman who’s always right.”
– Anne Bancroft
“A bride at her second wedding doesn’t wear a veil. She wants to see what she’s getting into.”
– Helen Rowland
Amusing Marriage Quotes on Everlasting Love
“I love you regardless of your actions, but must you do so much of it?”
– Jean Illsley Clarke
“Never feel remorse for what you’ve thought about your spouse; they’ve thought worse things about you.”
– Jean Rostand
“Marriage is society’s answer to loneliness, desire, and laundry.”
– George Cockcroft
“A happy marriage is a lengthy conversation that always feels too short.”
– André Maurois
“To maintain a happy marriage, sometimes it’s best to turn a deaf ear.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is a union where both parties swear that only the other snores.”
– Terry Pratchett
“A successful marriage involves falling in love repeatedly – always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin
“Building a successful marriage is akin to farming: you start afresh every morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Marriage is the bond between someone who forgets anniversaries and someone who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash
“The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that they’re too old for it.”
– Anne Bancroft
“Marriage is not just a spiritual connection, but also remembering to take out the trash.”
– Dr. Joyce Brothers
“After fifteen years, I’ve realized she’s always right. Surprisingly, we stopped arguing after that.”
– Barack Obama
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comedian. It takes ten years to be considered a novice.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“Sometimes, marriage feels like a constant text exchange of ‘what’s for dinner?’ until one of you passes away.”
– Sarah Kelly
“I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. I later realized she used those years to train me. That’s why I know she’ll never leave me; she doesn’t have the time to train someone else.”
– Steve Skrovan
“My wife is a psychologist. She can tell when I’m being disagreeable and exactly what type of disagreeable I’m being.”
– Lee Judge
“Remember to have a date night, even if it’s rare, because most days you’re simply too tired and would rather sleep.”
– Chris Hemsworth
“An archaeologist makes the best spouse; the older you get, the more they’re intrigued by you.”
– Agatha Christie
“Marriage doesn’t come with guarantees. If that’s what you’re after, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck
For more laughter and inspiration about love, explore these funny wedding quotes, hilarious love quotes, and short love quotes.