How To Get Out Of Paralysis When Making Decisions- The IFS Way
My partner Jeff is facing a lot of big decisions right now. He has two very different job opportunities potentially pulling him into two vastly different lifestyles. He has to decide where he’s going to live once our short term Airbnb in Forestville, CA, which came as a perk for a short term locum tenens job, expires November 28. People are putting pressure on him to make these decisions expeditiously, even though he’s not quite sure what to do yet.
This impacts our relationship too, because I just signed a lease for a renovated barn in a small town in West Sonoma County, near the beach, where I can let my energetic golden doodle Moose run off leash every day. After doing the IFS YOU-Turn and consulting with my parts, it was clear that my internal family system was not willing to wait any longer to secure housing for me and my daughter, while Jeff made up his mind where he wanted to live and what job he wanted to commit to. My girl will be home from her first semester in college December 13, and my mothering parts needed to prioritize making sure she had a festive Christmas tree-decorated new home we could settle into together. I’d avoided doing anything so definitive because I wanted Jeff to have the freedom to keep his options open, but with only a month until I’m effectively without a home, I pulled that trigger just two weeks ago, when I finally found a cute home, back in the coastal fog near the beach, which is more like the Muir Beach nature-immersed lifestyle I’ve lived for 17 years.
Many people struggle with indecision, but they’re often unaware that indecisiveness is usually the result of polarized parts, parts that go to war on the inside, the angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other, or parts that want a simple zen life on one side and parts that want power, prestige, and wealth on the other. There might be parts that want to prioritize a relationship and being a family man- and parts that want to prioritize building a nest egg for retirement or expressing an ambitious dream. The wants and needs of those parts can battle with each other, and if there’s no mediator to help those parts negotiate, it’s hard to find clarity and make a decision you won’t regret later.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a wonderful tool to help us unstick these stuck decision points. The Campfire meditation can be a helpful tool when making decisions. This first meditation helps you prepare and explains the process of unblending from various parts and allowing Self to convene a cozy campfire of related parts.
The next meditation leads you through a guided practice to the campfire, where you can meet with any related parts involved in a particular decision and help mediate between them.
Once you meet involved parts, its peer to peer parts processing support can further help you establish clarity. By describing your parts to another peer support person, as we’ll be teaching how to do in this weekend’s Zoom training Peer To Peer Parts Processing, you can further unblend, talk it out with an empathic mirror, witnessing and mirroring your parts, giving you more space for Self to take the lead.
You can register for Peer To Peer Parts Processing here.
Calling in Self energy to mediate between the parts is the art of negotiation. It’s similar to how a healthy external family, which is a democracy, not a cult, might talk out an important family decision, listening to all family members and coming to a shared power, fair, mutually consenting agreement.
So when you’re facing big or small decisions, try getting to know all parts involved. Mapping them out can help you unblend as well, so you can get to know how those parts relate to one another.
I haven’t inquired with him yet, but given the types of decisions Jeff is currently facing, there may be various thoughts and feelings at play:
– An excitement for a new adventure elsewhere, potentially leading to a long-distance relationship and a stimulating job opportunity.
– A desire to prioritize living near his partner, influenced by a fear of being too far apart.
– Sadness about the possibility of leaving Sonoma County, where meaningful friendships have been formed.
– A sense of financial responsibility, aiming to maximize earning potential.
– A search for a new institutional identity after moving on from Harvard.
– A concern for health equity and social justice.
– A temptation by power, a higher salary, and the chance to have significant influence in a prestigious career.
– A focus on leaving a lasting legacy.
– A wish to remain connected to the community.
– A love for the natural beauty of Sonoma County and the lifestyle it offers, compared to where he is considering relocating.
– Concerns about potential ethical issues at the distant job.
– Exhaustion from years of hard work, leading to a desire for retirement or more rest.
– A desire for creative expression and not wanting to leave talents undeveloped.
– A yearning for status and prestige in a bigger role.
– Grief over missed opportunities in the past, driving a desire to recreate what has been lost.
– Fondness for colleagues and patients at his current job, wanting to maintain those relationships.
– A prideful ambition to excel at the best institutions with well-funded programs.
– Feelings of shame, unworthiness, and inadequacy if not associated with high prestige or leadership roles.
– Fear of loneliness if he chooses a job far from loved ones.
– An entrepreneurial spirit considering starting a risky venture outside of institutional settings.
– A need to feel appreciated for excellent psychiatry skills and a good reputation.
While I cannot be certain if these align with Jeff’s internal thoughts, I recall the multitude of emotions and considerations that come with making significant career decisions. If you are struggling to make a decision, I recommend engaging in your own process of self-reflection, with or without support from peers. For those attending the Peer To Peer Parts Processing training, bring your challenging decisions for assistance in gaining clarity. The sessions will be recorded for those unable to attend live.
Join us for Peer To Peer Parts Processing on November 1-2. (Session recordings will be available for those unable to join live.)
Best of luck with your current decision-making process. My thoughts are with you and all the parts involved in your decision-making journey.