I once had a (very brief) romance with a guy who I suspect is a sociopath. He suspects he’s a sociopath too, so it’s not just me. In a book he wrote, he even has a whole chapter about sociopaths and was very openly curious about whether he, too, was one of them. Having just read the chilling Confessions Of A Sociopath, about a self-aware sociopath who is not a criminal behind bars, but a law school professor who plays with hearts and gets off on “ruining people,” I now feel even more certain that he’s sociopathic.
But it’s not sociopathy I want to talk about here. It’s the behaviors we find ourselves engaging in if we wind up emotionally attached to someone highly narcissistic, manipulative, or sociopathic, namely, fawning behaviors.
Looking back, I wonder what kind of spell I had fallen under when I first met the guy who I’ll call Wilder.
I was frightened of him the first time I met him. I told my best friend, who was with me when we met, that I felt like a dark cloud walked in the room before Wilder did, kind of like the Peanuts character Pigpen. That should have caused me to turn the other way, to trust my gut instincts and keep my distance. But I didn’t.
The first time I had sex with Wilder, he told me that, even though he was quite promiscuous, we didn’t have to wear condoms- because you can only catch a sexually transmitted disease if you had sexual shame.
Now, I’m an OB/GYN, an actual doctor (he’s not). So you’d think I would laugh in his face and demand condoms. But I actually paused and second-guessed myself. What if he was right? And if so, then demanding condoms would mean I’m admitting that I have sexual shame, which I definitely do, because of my fundamentalist Christian upbringing. But he seemed so sexually shameless that I wanted to impress him with my coolness. And it wouldn’t be cool to admit my sexual hangups when we were about to have sex, right?
I’m ashamed to admit I wound up fawning him and we had unprotected sex. Fortunately, I did not get an STD from him, but I’m certain it’s not for lack of sexual shame on my part.
Wilder told me he was married and polyamorous, which was edgy for me. I didn’t know anyone openly poly. I’d always thought opening your marriage was something unhappy couples do prior to breaking up, like a gateway drug to divorce. So I asked if I could meet his wife before he and I hooked up, just to make sure she was okay with it, so we could discuss any boundaries she might need- like condoms.
I asked if we could set up a virtual meetup with his wife, but he spun some story to explain why that wouldn’t be possible. And once more, I fawned and believed his lie. When he confessed to his wife about his liaison with me, it turned out she was out of her mind outraged over the whole ordeal, but she wanted to meet me.
I met his wife soon thereafter, and I assumed that she knew about all the other women, since I did. When I casually mentioned the woman in Germany and the dozen others from elsewhere in the world, it turned out that she had no idea he’d been having affairs. I felt sick that I’d been the one to tell her. I had trusted him, not knowing him well enough to know that lying was a daily part of his existence, something I hadn’t figured out, because he’d been so frank and shameless about what he’d told me.
Wilder’s wife and I tiptoed around each other, trying to bond but trauma-bonding instead. We both fawned Wilder- and each other, I suppose. I felt scared of her, and I suspect she saw me as a threat to her marriage, although I turned out not to be. As far as I know, they are still together.
At the time, I asked for advice from my wise elder mentor Rachel. Was I being foolhardy? Should I break it off?
Rachel said, “I don’t care if you have sex with Charles Manson, as long as you know exactly the moment to get out.”
That moment became obvious to me, and I got out before too much harm was done to me, Wilder, or his wife. But that situation did become fodder for a lot of therapy, as I tried to unpack what had happened to me, how I’d become vulnerable, and why I’d fawned someone who was clearly emotionally dangerous to me and others.
After that relationship ended, I felt nauseated by how small I had become in such a short time. I had ignored my gut. I had silenced my no. I had betrayed my body. And I did it all in the name of being good. Good girl. Good lover. Good spiritual woman who doesn’t carry sexual shame or hold to her value of monogamy and fidelity.
Only I wasn’t a good girl. I participated in a relationship that deeply hurt another woman who I came to care about, whose husband didn’t care about her feelings one bit- or mine.
I was, in other words, fawning.
What Is Fawning?
I’m in the final edits of the book I’m co-writing with Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Rediger- RELATIONSICK. We just got our publication date of October 6, 2026.
The book draws inspiration from the Six Steps To Healing Yourself outlined in “Mind Over Medicine” and applies them to the Six Steps From Fawning To Freedom. The concept of “fawning” was coined by psychologist Pete Walker in his book “Complex PTSD” to describe a survival instinct where individuals default to appeasement when fight or flight responses are not possible. In “Fawning: The Cost of Appeasing Others and How to Stop,” author Ingrid Clayton delves into the lived experience of fawning as a trauma response disguised as empathy. She explores how fawning can manifest in behaviors such as people-pleasing, minimizing red flags, and mistaking chaos for chemistry. Recovery from fawning begins with recognizing the difference between true safety and peacekeeping. The fawn response can also contribute to trauma bonding, where individuals become addicted to the cycle of idealization and devaluation by others. Fawning can often masquerade as spirituality or compassion, but true healing involves honoring oneself and setting boundaries. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, feeling responsible for others’ emotions, rushing to ease tension instead of learning from discomfort, volunteering for emotional labor without being asked, or confusing boundaries with rejection, you may be experiencing fawning behavior. This behavior is often ingrained in our cultural conditioning, especially for women and those who prioritize harmony over honesty.
Instead of seeing fawning as a negative trait, it can be viewed as a survival mechanism that once helped us navigate challenging situations. However, as we heal and grow, it’s important to unlearn fawning behaviors and set boundaries to protect ourselves.
Unlearning fawning involves becoming aware of when these behaviors arise, connecting with the underlying emotions that drive them, practicing mindfulness to pause and reflect before reacting, expressing your preferences openly, surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who respect your boundaries, and holding yourself accountable when tempted to avoid confrontation.
Seeking therapy and engaging in healing practices can also aid in unlearning fawning behaviors and developing healthier relationships based on mutual respect and safety. Remember that true love doesn’t require constant performance or self-abandonment; it allows you to rest and be yourself. Please rewrite the following sentence so it is clearer:
“The new policy changes are set to be implemented next month.”
“The upcoming changes in policy will go into effect next month.” Please rewrite the following statement: “The new policy will be implemented next month.”