Should We Forgive Perpetrators Who Aren’t Sorry?
Many spiritual teachings, self-help messages, and therapies focus on forgiveness as either a spiritual virtue or a way of freeing ourselves from seething resentment and freeing others from the bitterness of our judgments. Forgiveness is viewed as a noble act of grace, a way of letting go of the past and reclaiming our ability to be happy in the present.
This all sounds nice, doesn’t it? Don’t we all want to be generous, liberated, grace-giving, and happy in the present?
The problem comes when forgiveness teachings put the burden of forgiveness on the victim, rather than putting the burden of accountability, repair, and the making of amends on the perpetrator.
My partner Jeff got very confused about this because of his fundamentalist religious teachings from the cult he grew up in. His parents had been terribly abusive, but instead of apologizing and making amends for the immense harm they caused, they denied that the abuse had happened, accused him of being a liar, shamed him for being so strong-willed and stubborn, blamed him for leaving the cult and going to college, excommunicated him from the family, cut him off from the will, and somehow still expected him to forgive and forget. It’s the classic DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) of narcissistic abuse. And forgiveness teachings are often used to let narcissists get off the hook of accountability by pressuring the victim to forgive, rather than pressuring the narcissist to confess to wrongdoing, humble themselves, express remorse, and make things right.
It’s exactly this dilemma that we’ll be addressing in my next Internal Family Systems six week Zoom workshop, The Path To Inner Justice.
Learn more & register for The Path To Inner Justice here.
IFS works beautifully as a counter-balance to the spiritually bypassing forgiveness teachings of many religions and New Age spiritual beliefs. Although IFS can also be misused to side with perpetrators and pressure victims to do the “YOU-Turn,” this is not part of the IFS model. When applied correctly, IFS can be the antidote to spiritual bypassing and a real tool for relational repair, boundary setting, accountability, and justice in relationships. If you’ve felt confused about such things, please join us for The Path To Inner Justice.
When Premature Forgiveness Enables Abusers
Jeff wasn’t exposed to Internal Family Systems until after this incident with his family. Being a compliant good boy, he tried his damnedest to forgive his parents and also his siblings, who enabled the ex-communication and shunning of Jeff. No matter how spiteful and unremorseful they were, he just kept trying to forgive them, to be a good boy who could get over it and move on.
Please rewrite the following sentence: “The cat chased the mouse up the stairs.”