How To Discern Whether Your Unbalanced Relationship Is Fixable- Or Not

Pop psychology uses a lot of lingo to describe various imbalances in relationship:

• Overfunctioning/ Underfunctioning
• Narcissist/ Codependent
• Neurotypical/ Neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, etc)
• Caregiver/ Disabled care receiver
• Falsely empowered/ Disempowered
• One up/ One down
• Giver/ Taker
• Perpetrator/ Victim

But all of these tend to refer to different ways power dynamics play out, giving and receiving happens (or not), and who controls who in relationships. In healthy relationships, giving and receiving are reciprocal, if not in a bean-counting literal way (some will provide more beans, others may provide more nurture emotionally), then at least in a Gestalt sort of way. I always say that as long as both people feel like they’re getting the better end of the relational deal, things are probably pretty fair and balanced, and there’s a lot of gratitude floating around.

But when things get too unbalanced for too long, resentment builds. Entitlement can run high. One person’s needs may be sacrificed at the expense of someone else’s. And when we throw our own parts under the bus for long enough, relationsickness is all but inevitable. If you’re not getting your needs met in a relationship, or if you’re doing most of the grunt work of adulting and someone else is benefitting from how easy you make their life, or if you’re working your tail off and someone else is freeloading, or if you’re simply a burned out caregiver, it’s not easy on your nervous system, body, spirit, or life force. As Jeff Rediger and I are writing about in our book, these kinds of unbalanced relationships can make you relationsick- either physically or with regard to your mental and spiritual health.

But not all unbalanced relationships are created equal. In next week’s IFS community of practice around relationships LOVE SCHOOL, we’ll be talking about these various types of relational imbalances- and what you can and can’t do to rebalance them.

Join us for LOVE SCHOOL here

In our book Relationsick, which comes out Fall 2026, we’ve divided up unbalanced relationships into 4 categories, which are predictive of whether they’re receptive to healing and rebalancing, so you can discern whether it’s possible to achieve optimal health while staying in a relationship or whether the severity of the imbalance is too extreme to be compatible with good health. Let me review those categories here.

Level 1 Relationships

In these unbalanced relationships, there’s no malice, no abuse, and no exploitation. There’s just one person with greater capacity, caregiving someone else with less capacity. Maybe an able-bodied person gives more to a disabled person, who would love to be doing more to help the other but is physically incapable of doing so. Or maybe someone neurotypical with efficient executive processing does more of the mental load and task organization (overfunctioning) for someone who has ADHD and really struggles with executive functioning, causing them to underfunction and leaving the overfunctioner burned out, resentful, and relationsick. In Level 1 relationships, there’s no obvious power imbalance, even though the differences in ability can make it appear so. Nobody is going significantly “one up” and nobody is getting dressed down or going down a notch.

Remember, someone disabled or neurodivergent can still go “one up” or “one down.” If so, that kicks them up to a Level 2 relationship. In Level 1, the treatment for relationsickness is clear and simple- when possible, get additional support for the one who’s giving too much, so they can get a break, avoid burnout, and focus on their own healing and recovery.

Level 2 Relationships

The second level is one of the most common kinds of unbalanced relationship. This would be the classic one up/ one down (narcissist/ codependent, powerful/ powerless, give too much/ take too much) power dynamic. But to classify as Level 2, there needs to be no extreme patterns of manipulation, coercive control, and Machiavellian intention to exploit someone else. There also needs to be no criminality- no domestic violence, sexual assault, theft, con artistry, fraud, etc. Level 2 can still include disabled folks or those who are neurotypical or neurodivergent. Those issues are separate from the power issues at the heart of Level 2 relationships.

It’s our position- and couples therapist Terry Real agrees with us- that many willing, cooperative Level 2 relationships can be healed, and relationsickness can get better, if you have two people willing to do the relational recovery work to rebalance the power dynamics. One person has to be willing to come down from their one up position and get off their high horse. The other has to be willing to step up, out of shame and disempowerment, to get into relational health. It definitely takes two, and if only one person is willing to do the work, the relationship is unlikely to get better enough to improve relationsickness.

Level 3 Relationships

This is a Level 2 relationship- plus coercive control, but without other criminal behaviors. Coercive control is a crime in Connecticut, the UK, and several other places, and it should be a crime everywhere IMHO. But it’s not. When a relationship is marked by coercive control, healing from relationsickness becomes all but impossible.

Coercive control is a pattern of domination in which one person seeks to entrap another in an ongoing system of subjugation through psychological, emotional, financial, or physical means. Coercive control operates through chronic, subtle tactics—such as gaslighting, intimidation, isolation, surveillance, and the erosion of autonomy—that gradually strip the victim of their sense of freedom, safety, and self-worth.